Englishman in America

I do love her

2006-02-12T22:18:00.001-08:00

She said so.

I have an unstoppable infatuation for her.
and she has a weakness for me, as I do for her.
Wasn't meant to be like this, as spontaneous as this.

So close to the edge, now I've just fallen, we both have, hand in hand.
she's practically in my rib cage.

she fell asleep, and her last words, "I love you, you know"

found her

2006-02-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

phone call up till 5 am
i had a hard time falling asleep
this quite possibly could be a dream come true
got this feeling i hope its not just another sedative

ive lost my mind
so has she

"I like you alot" thats what we will say instead

Disappointed

2006-02-11T23:57:00.000-08:00

Played some pool today

all I can honestly say is I'm quite disappointed in myself (not surprising)

how was I ever so captivated with her?

now the entire frame has collapsed and I'm heading towards a dissimilar lot.

How do you know?

2006-02-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

Who are you?
how do you recognize me?

don't worry, you are the only one who gives my blog any attention.

don't be apprehensive.

Suicide

2006-02-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

When I look back at what I wrote earlier it honestly makes no sense at all. At peace with myself? What bloody hell is this Nirvana rubbish.

Its hard to tell, how I've changed the past few, days, weeks, whatever. I think I'm becoming more and more sensitive everyday. Against my own will do I notice the smallest of things. Whenever I make eye contact with a girl for longer than 5 seconds I'm on her case. If you call me randomly, prepare for the story of my life. I complain, I bicker, I feel sorry for myself, I overreact, I pay far too much attention to the smallest of things, and as a result I have become unstoppably paranoid.

I'm off my medication, and bout time too. But I still need to get some more blood drawn next week and the side effects are still very much a factor for another 6 months. Apparently this was the period of time where a minority of previous patients have committed suicide.

No suicidal thoughts...Yet.

Perhaps my closest to death experience came when I was on my scooter in London. Dodging traffic is never as easy as it looks. I got hit by a porshe boxster or whatever, I remember cos first of all the bastard drove off, and second off, it was the first porshe I had ever come into contact with. Of course, that was an accidental "close to death" experience. I don't think I've ever harmed myself to the point where my life was at stake. Perhaps I was in more danger than I thought when I would run away from home at 3am in London city.

Off the suicide for a moment. I really think I ought to be able to control myself around her. Now more people are involved in this great mess. I think I ought to pick but so many people would be making my decisions for me. I don't know why, its no longer easy for me to just choose. I'm not even posh, why am I being so picky.

On another note. I've taken a great correspondence to chess. Mind you, doesn't mean I'm any good. The way people play, its almost a reflection of who they are as a person.

Ill try and update more often, for you.

What to say?

2006-01-22T23:14:00.000-08:00

Well for once I feel as though I've made peace with pretty much everything including myself. Maybe that's why I haven't written in this thing for such a long time. No saying how long its going to last though.

It all start last weekend, the beginning of the return. Got pretty faded with some bootlegged liquor, in other words got some downright chill Mexicans to buy us some, one had like bloody 8 subs in his truck, the bass was barmy. After having enough sauce we went to a party/club/gig and well it was only 30 minutes till I clocked this pretty girl and well after I decided to stop being a puff managed to pull of a dance. Before you know it we stop the dancing and scan the place for some comfy couches.

I never called her after that.

It actually struck me when I was reading the paper a night ago, mind you I was pretty hopeful with my horoscope that day, that I had returned to my uncompromising self. That night became a turning point, after managing to somewhat humiliate myself I realised that honestly it wasn't worth it. At that moment I lost all the butterflies I used to start feeling in my stomach when I got around her. Its as though nothing had ever occurred, from friend to acknowledged stranger.

If that's the way it is then that's the way it is.

I don't know exactly how this relates to making peace with myself but it felt alleviating writing this post nonetheless.

Such a place

2006-01-14T22:06:00.000-08:00

I cant believe this is happening to me. I honestly cant. Everything before, I couldn't care less about. How is this possible? All my attention? I never thought it possible. I've wasted so much time, but who would have known. The turn of events can be so unexplainable. I never thought I could be so bloody vulnerable, its actually really alarming. I've lost so much trust for loads of people, could I have actually lost trust in myself? I hope not, cause I honestly trust myself on this one. It probably doesn't seem like anything, but its got me. It is impossible, unattainable, but its down right imaginable. I cant ignore it, like I can ignore others. For ages its as though I've had ruddy butterflies in my stomach, and I've definitely lost my cool with it. I ought to learn how to hold back, but every moment drives me crazy.

Going off topic for a minute. The last two entries succeeded, both satisfied her and she took it to her attention and extinguished her incessant tiring moonshine.

After writing all this, I've realised its best to title your entry after you've written the blimin thing.

You can hear it, even in her writing.

2006-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

When I read her thoughts, it is impossible to not notice her unstoppable collapse. I didn't hold you for any longer that a friend of you would have.

You miss the feeling of being loved? I never was able to give you that feeling. You don't hesitate to pour out whatever it is in your pathetic insides. I've seen you like this before, you can hardly wait to tell the world your completely through with it all. What you don't realise is when you write about me, about the past, you are hardly where you want to be. You haven't got it in you. You don't want to feel like you do, but you do anyways.

You miss security? I never gave you any, everynight I was out you constantly worried. Trust was something you hardly had for me. Your a loose end, and you don't know when or how to stop. You make it sound as though I asked for you back. Hardly the case, you were reckoning I was just trying to close in on you, definitely not. If you had decided to be my friend you probably wouldn't have been such an earache. Instead you say I'm a bad person, of course you can say whatever you want. No one can stop you, your on a roll now. You talk aimlessly, maybe you find it therapeutic, maybe you think what you write will help you change. Its obvious your twisted inside. Your just spinning round and round, your a mess. Why must you go on with your touching useless words. You said it yourself the majority of what comes out of that mouth of yours is rubbish, so maybe for a change, you ought to shut it. What happened to not being a fake anymore. Your far past fake, your artificial, all the words coming out of your mouth, slander.

you've lost all resistance, and hide behind words. It will only help you remember.

I knew it

2006-01-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

Everything comes together.

She's bitter. She knows what to do, things she "thinks" will make me mad. I knew it before I broke up with her. I saw the whole picture while I was with her. It only takes the smallest things for me to realise (in this case an email). It sets of a spark in my head which in turn lights a fuse that sets of a cannon. I was over her just a few days after that. The way she looked at me everyday after that, it just didn't matter to me after that. Everytime she tried to get close to me, id push her off. She wouldn't leave me alone, but now after realising she cant get me back, she goes for the next best thing. Just like last time, 2 months will go by, and ill get a call, "I loved you the whole time, I only went out with him to make you mad." shame this time I wont pick up.

To this there is no solution, no conclusion. There isn't any closure, because she is intent on prolonging the hurt. What she doesn't realise is that everything she does in spite, in bitterness, will only hurt her, will only make her appetite for "revenge" greater.

When can she finally stop? Its up to her, whenever she decides to cease playing around, when she decides its not worth it.

Once she represented everything, now after she's let me down, she represents failure. I thought I wouldn't be able to change, I certainly did. Ironic how she said that I would never be able to, when its actually her who couldn't and hasn't changed.

I couldn't care less about this, but since I haven't used this thing, and last time I did some fuck from Alabama was getting me miffed. I think this blog has a new role.